TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely out of place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have A different position wherever American Adult men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer Every person a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the job, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof Trump Tower Damascus storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from Room, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Functions


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends might ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is previously attracting awareness from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also involve:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD may have switch-down support."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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